It scares the family, but hardly anyone wants to talk openly with them. They should be millionaires with the money he brought home but she squandered it on furniture and jewelry and whatever else-and he allowed it. ), That is awful how can a parent steal their childs identify, how do you get over something like that! Needing support from your parents when you are young is not. Just my two cents plus another $250k !!! They borrowed and lost money from both sets of grandparents, an aunt, my dads brother, anyone who would extend a hand. The anger, frustration, and confusion comes my boyfriends family. Undermine their involvement - Sometimes the best defense is a smashing offense! Nor was that a class at the elementary or high schools I attended. A story that is hurtful, painful, caused anguish, or took us through sheer hell. I dont own a car. the first part of your statement negates the second part of your statement. Dealing with Financially Irresponsible Family Members A: It's truly hard to help family members who don't have a good handle on their finances and seem confused by the basics: Spend less than you make, bank the rest. They let you By the look of things on social media, you really can have it all. Complains day and night about everything. And they are ultimately responsible for their own actions. My response: Gal. Nope. Living on oatmeal in an apartment in the ghetto, which was the best I could do after her absentee parenting, was much too impoverished for her. Try love. Shed taken out the loan right out of college when her own father refused to co-sign with her, and she hadnt understood the loan terms. Plus her for the passed 2 years! On the other hand if you are a regular middle class joe trying to save for your own retirement or your kids college it is a totally different situation, which most of these laws take into consideration. Goodie for you Tim. Now that you are an adult, she cannot physically control you, and if you are financially independent, she cannot control you through money either. U talking about hurt, let me tell u, 3 ppl Ive fought so hard 4, is now the 3 ppl I have 2 fight with the most! There are 4 of us children, all 40+ 3 successful, 1 not. Yes. Why should I be responsible to take care of him because he wont take care of himself nor will he work because he is picky on what kind of job. i am sorry, but i will NOT be financially responsible for this woman. This has to change. He sold our family house and spend all the money on luxuries. This is after she has taken other family members out to eat & finished her monthly HSN or Kohls run. They were going to roll the dice and make it big, with no regard for how this would impact their retirement. its not that much anyway. I am single, never married, no kids. Earlier this year I found my mom serving my dad/brother peanut butter sandwiches (she skipped supper that night) and I forced them to take 5000$. I feel like my parents have done ok saving, but question whether my wifes parents have made the same choice. Im uncomfortable with the visit because Im living (in a free and clear home, thankfully) on lentils and oatmeal and even that is an expenditure that is too much. Unfortunately, Im in the latter group. Theres a proverb that says in times of test, family is best.. PLUS learning about these LAWS that mandate filial responsibility sucks. So my mother-in-law is notoriously bad with her personal finances. My husband hasnt gotten disability yet. On the surface, the answer of whether or not you should support your parents in their later years is an easy one yes, of course you should, right? Ilyce, I too enjoyed your radio show in Atlanta. I personally believe that if you are a healthy, thriving, contributing member of society after being raised in a situation like that, then you have every right to choose whether or not you assist your egg/sperm donor in their later years. Some of those. then what? I have three special needs children, am a full time college student, and am just now working on getting my internship which is going to end up costing me money. I saved paper route money & she took it. They were raised well, college paid for (mom dropped out) and were cared for well into their adult years with grandparents giving them only when they needed. This is a law that we should all keep our eye on as the cost of long term care rises. What kind of a parent would I be if I chose to expose them to the exact opposite. I feel depressed because I also live at home, there is no way I could live elsewhere, pay rent and give all that money. Out of effort comes that elusive joy we all seek. I hoping one day to be financially secure and dont plan on having any children, just cant deal with that stress and dont want to ever have to depend on them for money. No. Im actually saving what you wrote in my note so that I can look back when I feel guilty and angry when parents pressure me into giving money. Control: Not allow another person to choose their own action or response by overpowering them in some way. They have portrayed a lavish lifestyle while making bad decision upon bad financial decision. Once she is out, press for a restraining order. Get out of debt, build some savings and take care of kids. Im mad and angry. (That is, a more than minimum wage paying job. These kinds of parents I think kids wouldnt have much of a problem with helping out even if it put a burden on their family. Baby boomers are going to demand retirement (ignorantly or not) I will cook and clean and help my son with a family business. I love her and am thankful for her, despite her bad decisions. I would fight any claim forcing me to provide anything to them. Heavens no. @ERHR I can completely relate you having to unlearn lessons. If any care home wants to reach into my pocket for that piece of selfish man, I will move and become impossible to serve. I plead with my parents for years to put aside a small amount as a downpayment for a house, to create some type of security, yet they refused and were angry at any suggestion we (me and my two younger siblings) made to them. I am very confused, conflicted, and torn. But if they had lost everything, given what they have done to raise me, I would do what I could to help them. It doesnt solve any problems and only becomes a financial drain on you. I have not been able to work over the years. She said , she sent her kids to school because she expects us to repay her by supporting her financially!!! However, if the parents should fail, they must suffer their consequences like every other human being. My girlfriends (and likely future wifes) family is the polar opposite. The spectrum of emotion has ranged from its not my problem to what plan can i put in place for them, while also supporting the future investment needs of my family. how to deal with parent guilting using bible/scripture? NO. Your relative financial security or wealth shouldnt be a factor in how often youre willing to help or how much youre willing to gift or loan. You WILL have very confusing feelings, such as guilt, shame, self-doubt, etc. He and his wife were married 40 years and raised six children. Both of my parents work hard and dont want to leave any debt to us so I dont feel bad about helping them. This parent has no savings, no retirement plans. By the time she reached retirement age (65), he had been out on his own for almost 20 years. I live across the country from them and theyre seethingly jealous of my lifestyle. Creating sub-trusts to ensure education, housing and daily living expenses are paid offers additional security to a family that may suffer from poor financial management. We are aggressively opposed to that idea because my mother is perfectly capable of earning and saving but chooses not to. Then moves in with you and doesnt cook, clean or lift a finger? I expect to have to do this with my mother and mother-in-law. They carry a huge mortgage on the place. They need serious financial counseling, in these situations youve got to let the house go. Yeah, I did it and am in a good place, but it took a long time, and compared to my peers, I am not nearly where I could be. In fact, they need to do such things, as its part of learning how to live. Feeling frustrated by family-related financial kerfuffles? We have dinner parties, game nights, movie nights, and binge-watching marathons. She made me an my brother so worried about her and she is still picky with jobs. Help them move out. The bankruptcy would have been worth it if she were actually thriving now as a result of it, but shes in worse shape now than she was 11 years ago when she regressed to a teenaged entitled mindset and just stoppped working. You obviously missed the point that some states force you to pay for your parents if the state deems you can afford it, whether you can or not. Hell make more money panhandling at Stop & Shop than he would at a real job, at least. Me parents did well financially until my senior year in college, when they lost their business. If you think they might be dependent on you for income, its really not much different than a 27 year old who has overstayed their welcome at home. Its the parenrs responsability to do that for you, you didnt asked to be brought to this world right? The lack of personal responsibility. Tney had always lived big and spent everything, so there was no savings and although opportunities were available, my dad refused to work for someone else. For one, theres a good chance you wont be able to get them to pay you back. I really feel for you. Addressing financial irresponsibility, whether it involves an adult child or a family member, means taking a stance that is both fair and well grounded. she screwed over her kids so bad. Now that I am making decent money and have been much more responsible with my finances I really see how bad of situations some of my family . (sorry that sounds kind of bitter :) ). If theyre smart about things they can live pretty close to just that and only need a tiny little amount to get by (the odd $50 here and there) instead of what it sounds like fairly substantial amounts of money theyre asking of you. You dont need anyones approval for your actions. So who is the willing victim ready to clean up their mess around here for the next 15-20 years? I know how hard the situation you have been forced into is, and if I can help other people to get their lives back, then great. I hope I will have enough. I have spent my 20s working, worrying about money and desperately trying to think of a way to make the future seem a little brighter. What can I do to protect the kids? But, again, I say, change your focus! But wont you at least give them a $5/week allowance? I am 52 and have no children to take care of me when I no longer can. Its one thing if you are young and have hundreds of thousands already saved but if you are like most people who dont then I think you should focus on taking care of yourself first. Its a lose lose situation. They are not sick, they are not unable to work, they are just exhibiting the selfish behavior that theyve shown for their whole lives, hence why they dont have savings. My 75 and 80 year old in laws retired at 45 with the belief that they were going to screw the system. Unfortunately my moms retirement plan has always been to use her kids as a checking account while also being ungrateful for it and even complaining that she only gets 1k a month with a paid off condo and complaining that she sometimes has to babysit (like maybe twice a month and theyre old enough to be left alone, just need an adult with a pulse around to make sure theyre not getting into trouble.). Grown-ups, the best gift you can give to your children is to be responsible for your own life, money and happiness! (The Exminer News) -Every family has one. I ask myself in the mirror this question everyday. I wonder what you did as a parent to facilitate that. My mother died 15 years ago. Stuff it nema. The best help you might give them is a referral to an experienced nonprofit credit counseling agency. This makes me angry because I have parent 1 and in-laws that would like to visit grandchildren also. They are the reason why this country is in the mess its in financially. All I got was hostility from them (nasty emails and threats). We bailed him out. ALWAYS look out for yourself first THEN figure out what to do with your parents. and from what I understand by reading this, the only people accusing anyone else of wrong doing is your generation as that is all you have done in this entire article. Godspeed everyone. Those are ways you can help without simply throwing money at the problem. I also strongly discourage loans, which is something thats going to pop up a few more times in this article. WE all did. It was a blessing in disguise, it paved the way for many hours of unresolved issues between us to talk about, understanding each other, have over tea and come out the best of friends. Should You Be Investing While You Are In Debt?